Sunday, July 11, 2010

Hey, you.

Wow, it's been a while. Months, even. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now. :)

Just finished a six week tour across the U.S. with Joe Ginsberg (my bassist and teammate), Good Old War and Yukon Blonde. It was more fun than a barrel of monkeys which means it was brutal seeing it come to an end. I miss my friends. Isn't that the bitch of traveling; The more friends you make, the more people you miss.

I don't know what it is, lately. Metaphorically speaking, which usually goes without saying, I feel like I can't see the road in front of me anymore. I used to be able to see it clearly but was so fearful of where it was taking me. My stride used to be slow. Now my path materializes under my feet only just before I take the next step, transforming every stride into a leap of faith. For some reason, this is less scary than knowing what's coming. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's because when I don't know what's in front of me, I don't know what to be afraid of so, instead, I'm perpetually dazzled.

But oh, wouldn't it be nice to have a copilot, like a navigator or someone like that? A true comrade. I've stayed far from love for so long. I was sure it was my lot in life to walk the Earth alone, for all eternity. I thought that would keep me safe and focused on what's "really" important. I felt this deep ambition to prove that I could do it on my own. Now that I know I can, I feel much differently about the whole thing. There's less pride involved. I'm softer, if that makes sense. I'm quieter.

I'm not saying I'm looking for love. It's not like that, but now that I'm not afraid of it anymore, I've noticed myself changing. It started in my hands, I think. I don't know, all I know is, I'm so grateful to have been without a copilot for so long. A girl needs to be able to make her own way in this world. I've done that. I'll always do that. I'm good at it. But, I'd love to learn from someone who's been down this road, on this boat, and in these clouds before. Someone smart enough to slide a few hints and heads-up's under my mind's door, along the way.

Vulnerability -> Self-Knowing -> Constructive Tools -> Action -> Strength
*How else will I discover who I am and what I'm capable of?

Masks -> Self-Doubt -> Destructive Weapons -> Reaction -> Weakness
*Once I know I can make it without these things, they lose their power over me.

It should be noted that there will always be a fork or, rather, a choice in the road should you come across true weakness;

Face the vulnerability, or don the mask.

Los Angeles is beautiful today. The weather is perfect. The wind is hooting through the gap between the screen and my window behind my thinking couch. I'm listening to mixed cds from friends and daydreaming, daydreaming, daydreaming. Right now I'm imagining that you (Hey, you.) wake up tomorrow morning with a kind of miraculous, divine epiphany. You open your eyes and, suddenly, see it all so clearly. The monsters you thought impossible to conquer are suddenly powerless over you and you lie there for a moment in total peace and, just like that, you feel the weight of the world lift from your shoulders.

Aaaaahhhhhh, something wonderful and exciting could happen at any minute...

Any minute, now...